"jangan ini, jangan itu, kamu perempuan"

aku baru saja selesai minum secangkir kopi hitam yang tidak tahu jenisnya apa. katanya ditanam di Tanah Datar. sekarang sore hari dan belum adzan Maghrib. mungkin sekitar 10 menit lagi.
bundaku bilang aku salah karena kalau mau minum kopi harusnya sesudah makan karena nanti makan malamku jadi tidak bernafsu kalau sudah minum kopi duluan. aku bilang tidak masalah, di perutku letak kopi dan makanan berbeda tempat (tentu saja itu cuma bikinanku, tapi ya memang tidak masalah, kok. serius!).
saat sedang menyesap kopi tadi, aku bertanya pada ayah kopi yang kuminum ini jenisnya apa, aku cuma ingin tahu saja. lagian ayah bundaku harusnya tahu kan, aku memang ingin tahu soal banyak hal (hampir semua, malah). ayah bilang gunanya apa. aku bilang aku nanti ingin jadi coffee expert sambil tertawa kecil. tentu saja aku memang ingin, tapi itu bukan prioritas utama untuk dicapai di masa depan. ayahku bilang kalau mau jadi coffee expert harus rajin traveling jadi bisa nyicip berbagai jenisnya. ya aku jawab singkat saja kalau traveling kan juga salah satu keinginanku. aku tidak mau lanjut membahas ini, aku tahu arahnya akan ke mana. intinya aku cuma mau tahu kopi ini jenis apa, kalau ayah tidak tahu ya sudah tidak apa-apa.
nah kan, benar apa kataku! bundaku langsung menimpali dan bukannya singkat tapi bicara yang panjaaaaang sekali sampai aku (yang biasanya selalu menjawab segala hal yang tidak sesuai menurutku) hanya diam saja sampai beliau menyelesaikan semua wejangannya.
aku tidak mungkin cerita dengan detail isi semua omongan beliau soalnya cuma akan membuatku kesal lagi, padahal kesalku sudah hilang. don't get me wrong, ini bukan melawan pada orang tua, kok. aku hanya merasa lelah karena kali ini tidak menyampaikan apa yang kurasa benar padahal setiap kali diomeli biasanya aku selalu menjawab.
intinya, bundaku bilang begini; "jangan sok-sok penyuka pecinta kopi, kamu itu perempuan", "jangan bangga suka kopi, tidak akan ada yang memujimu, kamu perempuan", "menurutmu bagus apa perempuan penyuka kopi? tidak ada untungnya, tidak ada gunanya", "jangan suka hal-hal yang aneh-aneh, normal-normal sajalah hidup jadi perempuan". aku mulai kesal lagi.
ya pokoknya itu intinya dari nasihat yang hampir setengah jam, kalimat-kalimat itu adalah rangkuman yang kuingat dan cukup membuatku ingin diam saja dan tidak menjawab apapun, ya karena lelah tadi.
aku sudah hampir lupa mau komentar apa saja, karena seperti yang kubilang tadi, kesalku sudah mulai hilang.
pertama, aku bukan sok-sok penyuka kopi atau cinta kopi ya. aku bukan tipe orang yang latah suka ikut-ikutan. atau anak kemaren sore yang tiba-tiba hobi nongkrong di kedai kopi supaya keliatan edgy dan sociable. aku suka kopi dari kecil. dari masih duduk di bangku Taman Kanak-kanak, seingatku. aku tidak suka teh kalau pakai gula. aku kalau minum teh tidak pernah pakai gula. kopi kesukaanku itu espresso. basically, aku tidak suka minuman yang manis-manis. jadi sejak pertama kali lidahku kenal kopi, aku sudah langsung jatuh cinta. ayah bundaku tahu itu kok. mereka bahkan tahu minuman favoritku dari kecil ya kopi. tapi kenapa kalimat itu keluar? ya sudahlah namanya orang tua sedang ngomel.
kedua, tentu saja aku bangga suka kopi, ya karena aku suka. sama seperti aku bangga suka Avril atau Paramore. sama seperti aku bangga suka nulis dan baca buku. sama seperti aku bangga suka mitologi Yunani. tentu saja kita bangga sama hal yang kita suka, itu kan manusiawi. aku suka hal apapun bukan supaya dipuji. aku suka ya karena aku suka. karena dengannya aku senang dan puas. peduli apa mau dipuji atau tidak. orang tuaku sangat tau itu. tapi kenapa kalimat yang keluar tadi begitu? ya sudahlah ya, namanya ngomel.
ketiga, ya menurutku bagus, karena aku kan suka. kalau aku tidak suka baru aku bilang tidak bagus. lagian coba saja googling pakai keyword "benarkah kopi bahaya untuk perempuan?" 10 hasil teratas paling cuma 2 yang bilang bahaya. sisanya adalah manfaat. bahkan di setiap artikel yang kubaca, jumlah kopi normal untuk diminum perempuan itu 1 sampai 3 gelas per hari. aku minum kopi saja tidak sesering itu, kok. paling 3x sebulan. kalau di Padang, mungkin 5 atau 6x. sebulan loh, bukan per hari. ada apa dengan bundaku malam ini? ya Tuhan aku bisa kesal lagi, nih.
keempat, apanya yang tidak normal sih dengan suka kopi? kenapa aku dibilang aneh? aku benar-benar tidak terima. lalu memangnya definisi perempuan normal itu yang seperti apa dan bagaimana sih? yang tidak suka kopi tapi sukanya latte atau green tea dengan banyak cream? yang keinginannya jadi lipstick atau foundation expert bukan coffee expert? aaa aku tidak terima sejujurnya, bagaimana ini :(
kelima, dari setiap kalimat itu, di akhirnya pasti selalu ada kata "kamu itu perempuan" seakan-akan segala hal yang kulakukan sangat salah dan hina karena aku melakukannya sebagai seorang perempuan. LAH? ini baru masalah kopi, loh. belum hal lainnya yang lebih complex. apa semua hal nanti akan ditambah "karena kamu itu perempuan" sebagai pembenaran dan penegasnya?
kejadian sebelum Maghrib tadi itu benar-benar membuatku kesal sekaligus sedih. aku tidak terima tapi aku sedang tidak punya kuasa untuk menjawab atau membantah. aku tahu tidak ada yang salah dengan yang kulakukan tadi. tapi aku juga tidak bisa berbuat apa-apa. rasanya seperti berurusan sama dosen saja. hfffff.

my current thing-to-watch

hello everyone~ how r you my one and only lovely blog?
this is just some random thoughts i have tonight while enjoying my time alone at home upstairs.
i've been watching Grey's Anatomy for a couple months now and i think this serial become one of my favorite drama.
people said that this drama can makes you miserable and sad and mellow and so on. i can't not agree with that, though. but actually i only cried once when i watching this. but i indeed feel miserable and the anxious and pessimist :( lol.
i haven't write anything here yet about my last relationship, my broke-up. i don't plan to, tbh.
but long story short it was my first heartbreak, everyone, MY VERY FIRST HEARTBREAK, I'M HURT.
no, i mean it. i've been hurt. so bad. it hurts. so deep.
and that's it. i can only tell you that.
since i told you abt watching Grey's, here's some quotes i really love and getting touch from that drama. lol
here you go~

"in fact, the only thing i can truly promise is i'll probably hurt you again. oh, and you'll hurt me. and i'll come right back to you again when you do.
i'll accept the risk. because you are worth it, because you matter to me. because i love you, and i'm not going anywhere"
- dr. Richard Webber (when propose to dr. Catherine Avery)

"we got more than just one thing to love. and one day, something will click. and you'll know you found it."
- dr. Calliope Torres (when fix a kid's leg)

it sounds so cheesy and fluffy? no it's not. it sounds true and sincere to me.
hahaha pardon this just-had-a-heartbreak-girl.

what an awkward time

do you ever been in a situation when everything feels wrong? even breathing, feels wrong. no matter what you do. being in there, being you, feels wrong.
well, that is exactly what i am feeling right now. and it's threatening me.
i don't know if it's just me but seriously i never like people try to make things up to me. like when they've done something that they thought isn't quite right, and they wanted as hard as possible to make things up. to keep things back in place. just so they don't feel the guilt of doing that thing in the first place.
you got what i mean?
i never like that. ever.
i'm always like "okay, everything is clear. let's just move on". because, you know if you already stitch a wound it is absolutely unnecessary to open it up again or trying to make another stitch. it'll only make it worse.

homesick that really is sick

i feel my lyf has been so unproductive since the last time i wrote here. being mahasiswa taun akhir that faces every rejection, pressure, competition, and many other cruel stuff, has really made me less confident and low on motivation.
i miss home. i miss my mom, dad, piky, chacha, i miss my room and the all of Bukittinggi's scents. but i can't go home.
well maybe i can, but i do not want to.
i started to think that i at least should bring a good news if i went home. maybe just a news that as simply as i already write my skripsi until bab number whatever. or maybe i finish my OJT and the report already.
i just feel this guilty feeling inside my chest about my responsibilities but i also had this damn so big laziness which is burden me from doing any progress. hffff if you understand what i mean.
i often ask to my self. where the hell is that dreams, that targets you always shout out and tell the world. where is them? don't you wanna run them?
oh my dear-lovely-self, let's work things out a.s.a.p let's do this, please?
it is only you in here. it is only you who'll be your own savior. remember how big your intention to leave this city immediately.
this post is just like a reminder to my self. i hope me will doing better. amen.

Mahasiswa Tahun Akhir

i oftenly thought that people who blabbed about the last year of college is overreacted and seek for attention.
now i think maybe they had some points.
here comes the 7th semester of my college life and i feel the ambience.
i only have 2 subject left in this semester which is makes me sit in class only in wednesday.
i literally have many free time because of that one day schedule out of 7 in a week. but the feeling is absolutely not as free as the freshman year or the 2nd year of college.
i can say i do nothing all day, but the pressure is real.
i think about many things. way more than i think before.
i panick at almost anything. my skripsi, my internship (which is not get any follow up yet from the company til now), my skripsi again, my responsibilities as the 1st child in my family, my skripsi again, how i will start my observation about my skripsi, when and how will i start to write my skripsi, and so on.
yep. this semester is basically about skripsi, pressure, and skripsi, and, skripsi again.

Parent Knows Best

hiiiiiiiii bloggaaa!
soooo. i've been missing to write so much since these 2 months really hectic and a non-stop-blue-feeling-swing-mood-everyday.
today actually is one of the day that i feel that. i'm so drown in blue and badmood from the early morning 'til maybe a couple of minutes ago.
it is already 1 month i'm not go home -to Bukittinggi, and of course i miss home like a lot. but i had many college activities in here just like i said before and i have 1 'undercover' thing to do.
why undercover? because nobody know it. well not literally nobody because i told my younger sister and a couple of friend in here, but yea just say that. i love the term undercover 😂
in the beginning of April, i applied to be an announcer for one of radio in Padang. it took almost 3 weeks for the radio to follow me up. i'm waiting with so much doubt and impatient feeling because this is my 1st time.
it's not that i don't believe my own capability - i do, so much, i knew i have a potential in this. but it's the nervous-waiting-moment when you want something so much and wait so long with a thought that going every where through all the possibilities, i think. i hope you got that 😂 i sometimes express my feelings with complicated words, just to be a li'l bit dramatic, lol.
sooo, i do the vocal test, the writing test, the interview, and finalyyyyy, i got a message this morning told that i can be a part of their team, as an announcer! (yeeayy?)
in every radio in this city, there is a training before you officially become an announcer, and the training in this radio i applied is about 2-3 weeks every night (after 7 pm, yes), and it will started tomorrow, in Monday.
you know, since my very 1st day in this city i always use public transportation because i don't bring my own vehicle. the radio is about 1,5 hour from my rent house :') yup. true.
since i already done my job, my undercover mission, i told my parents 'bout this. also my younger brother. they are so happy of course in the 1st place, but not until i told them the detail like night training, no vehicle, don't know ho to go, plan to borrow somobody's motorcycle, probably if the training is about 2-3 hours i'll be arrived in my rent house at 11 pm everyday, and, so on.
what my parents say? yea, of course a big no :(
they said it will dangerous for me, too risky, no guarantee, bad bargain, no choice, and many logical reason that they thought is the best for me.
i have to leave it behind. bye bye radio.
idk. because i already spent so much of my efforts in this, i feel so upset and sad and down, i really am in doubt right now. like idk yet what is the right thing to do. i cry a lot today. but you know, i always believe my parents permission, is everything when i have any activity to do.
writing here honestly makes me feel better even just a bit. oh how i love to write :')
but, i still can't get enough all of this. maybe not yet today. lemme cry again. thanks for reading. bye.

Chill

Sometimes, you will feel pissed off by someone or somebody.
Sometimes you feel like nobody is want you, even no one is need your existence,
sometimes you will think that many situation has made by your act and it is feel so bad,
sometimes you immediately hate some people because you feel they underestimate your gut,
sometimes you feel like too many people is put their bussiness on yours,
sometimes you feel like you are about to explode,
sometimes you feel like dissapear from world is the best idea ever,
sometimes you think people is bad, or worse, you are the bad, you are the mistake that inconvinient other people.
There is one thing that you should completely deeply carefully realize is that, this world is just a temporary shelter.
You will not own this forever and this is not yours at all.
This is not your decision neither destiny.
Again, too many feeling involve oftenly causes many problem than it is suppose to.
Many feelings especially pain, actually is a sign of maturity and well experiences human.
Keep the principal set, keep the positive thought all along the way, keep trust on Him.
So breath deeply, live wisely, and smile.
Everything is never as important as happiness :)

Look, this simple words of mine successfully made my brain fresher than before. Thank God i love to write yoohoo~

Too Kind = Stupidity ?

sooo, here i am. just arrived 'bout one hour ago in my home sweety home, Kabun Pulasan, Bukittinggi.
i'm now sit on my bed feel a bit down, confuse, and so wrong.

i just got a middle long advices and protocol from my parents.
so i'm now work in a team, which directly support someone in his job. he's an important person with many opportunity, authority, popularity, and of courseee, whealth :)
i'm the first person that he asked when he intended to make a team, so i choose all the member, despite of personal matter, i choose them because i know they have ability that this man needs.

well, because i'm on the holiday time now, i admit that i rarely doing every task of this team, but doesn't that i'm not work at all.
couple days a go he ask me to do some matter and i said honestly that i couldn't make it and suggest my team mate to him. he then call my team mate, my team mate do the task, i'm absolutely doing nothing.

i tell my parents about this. they feel a bit angry and upset. they say that i'm lose my chance to be a good member for him, to show that i'm better than anyone in my team. my parents tell me that i did these kind of things too often.
i lose every chance and opportunity way too many times which is makes me look worse in other peoples sight and gets others better than me.

i'm feeling down. idk why. maybe i'm just too overthink? or what? i feel bad for my self. i'm sad now :(
but in other way, really i want to change and be better and i want my self to have the best image i could ever get to him, because i know that my parents right, he trust me, i made him upset :(

nyapa

evening, world :)

been such a long time (again), right?

rasanya waktu berlalu cepat banget. sebentar lagi udah Juni aja. bentar lagi turun jabatan :")
bentar lagi kupu-kupu (kuliah pulang kuliah pulang)
bentar lagi wisuda ga kuliah lagi (aamiiiin) yeeeeee :"""""D

Meanwhile in the beginning of Four

assalamualaikum~

long time no write yaa :D
i'm now sitting in my mom's office blogging with my mom's laptop steal her office's WiFi with my best Geby mwhahaha :3 she just got a new phone and need lots of connection so i suggest this place.
well, hhmm
holiday has passed for almost one month and i still not have a holiday yet -,- boring is everytime everywhereee
there's nothing i can do except sleep eat cook write and sleep and sing and sleep and sleep aaaannnddd

sleep. Ha Ha

it's sometimes funny how i wanted to always stay at home when college starts and just wanna go back asap to college when the holiday comes -_- human.
my GPA for this semester is not as good as semester 2. gotta fight harder in this semester *bisep* LOL
but i still thank God at least i'll still have one class in semester 6 muehehehe. i'll call this "SKS jumping" =))
~~~
oh wish February comes fast syalalala

Untitled?

my very first post in 2015, yippie!
i'm gonna let my finger type anything they want. enjoy my indescribable thoughts, fellas~


sadar bahwa angka tiga menganga diiringi bunyi detik yang menggema
ada sekelebat pikiran yang tak harusnya mendamba
tatapan nanar diiringi hela nafas yang mengejar
ada apa dengan seonggok benda yang katanya hidup dan terus berdetak?
tidakkah alunannya terlalu menghakimi seperti menggertak?
sadar ada yang menggigil ketakutan di dalam ruang kotak

bukittinggi, 14 Januari 2014
2.50 AM

Mon-FREE-day

Aaaannndd. . . here i am!
sitting in the corner of McDonald, drinking ice coffee and tryna eat my hopeless-appearance fried chicken u,u LOL

wake up late at 7.35 am and forgot to do homework -_-
i really don't want to get bad mark so the first thing that i do this morning after wake up is doing my homework, make a radio script!
sounds so fun but not that fun, hu-huh
but back to my principle of life, i could do anything if i do it with love.
sooooo i try to love my soon-to-be-radio-script and with some magic, tadaaaaa am finished it :D *evillaugh

finally entered the class in the radio with "amburadul" appearance and "ngos-ngosan" face, i don't care, at least i did go to college.
after about thirty minutes, finished my radio class and heard an amazing announcement : papparaaaa~
there's no class for today anymore!
thank god, i love you to the moon and back
i ask my senior to go "nongkrong" and here i am :D
thanks to bang Engga who accompany me here.

maybe after this i will continue my adventure (?) with another guy?
MUAHAHAHA don't get me wrong.
i have so many boy-friends! but only one boyfriend now in my heart :)

olalala~

samlekuumm :D


ini malem minggu. bukan ralat ! ini malem pada hari sabtu.
yang artinya ??
yang artinya ? artinya ?
yaudah sih gada arti apa"
semua hari mah sama aja mamen *diem" puter lagu yovie n nuno-galau*


haha JK ding.
gue ga galau ko enggaaaaa *a panjang yang mencurigakan*


sepi yah ini malem.
satu/. seperti yg kita semua tau. hape gue lagi gue setor *bahasa halus dari DISITA*
dan gakan ada yang namanya sms"an smpe pada wktu ajal menjemput *loh
kamsud gue sampe selese uts.
itu juga bru kemungkinan.
jd yg kangen dan ngebet smsan sm gue, sabar yah idup itu berat bro !


dua/. daritadi gue ngebacot di TL @naiqnaa tapi yah seperti yg kita tau juga,
orang tau lah kalo gue cuma ngeBACOT, jadi buat apa ditanggepin ?
gue ini siapa kan ? bukan apa" lah. kulit kacang. ya gapaapaa *mengendap ambil tissue*


tiga/. kebiasaan gue bikin cerpen pas malem minggu lagi mandek.
gatau kenapa sih otak gue lagi mumet buat mikirin ide cerita_-
mungkin ini karena ulangan akuntansi tadi oh tidaaaakk *sujud di depan bu'nini*
 jujur. tadi pas ulangan tuh gue frustrate banget yaawooh maapin a'im.
gue gatau lagi deh mau mengungkapkan apa *dibeliii perlengkapaaan*
gue gatau lagi  deh macam mana nilai gue itu akan seperti apa *selamaat pagii rahmaa*
buat yang tidak paham, gue lagi apa,
buru" ambil kamus bahasa etiopia *ABAIKAN !
---.---


udah dulu deh ya. gue buka mention dulu.