Blabbing

i'm always that one person that's saying human relationship is weird. there is of course lots of reason to that saying. one of them is how people labelled me as a "friendly" person. there's a big pressure and expectations in there, bud. to be honest, i never really liked it. a colleague once told me i got what she called "human magnet" 'cause everyone always willingly feels like speaking to me, they never hesitate to be the one to speak first if it's with me. i admit that because it is valid. but in a way, i never like how it sounds. because with impression comes expectation and with expectation comes demand. that's where things most probably starts to get ugly.

i never really like label. i don't remember exactly since when did i start to have that way of thinking, but as long as i recall, it does more bad than good deeds. there is a simple explanation to that with an example that i encountered many times. when people have an assumption of you, regardless where they got it from, let's say it's your first impression in their eyes, or how you've been described by others, or how they observed how you behaved, or anything else, they tend to expect you'll act according to it and have built a perception of how you should act in any form possible. the truth is it's odd. just because you know me and see me as a friendly person it doesn't mean that it's true. i know it's super naive for me to think or even hoping everyone could understand this somehow. but life is all about hope don't you agree?

like what i'm always blabbing in every platform i have, you don't know people. you just don't. whatever it is that you think you know, sometimes you just don't. i think there will always be a part in me that hoping everyone, or at least, my closest people, internalise that idea and mean it. i always believe that hope is one of the most important thing in life that keeps you alive. so i can say that me myself will always hold on to that one. in a world when you can manipulate everything, being open to every possibility is they key, for me. i think there is more than enough to agree to what we know today is possibly no longer there tomorrow. so just because you think you know someone, it doesn't mean you know them.

i don't know why i spend so many time for spreading this. it could be my kind of defence-mechanism. maybe this is how i thought the best way to spare you and me from getting hurt or hurt others. maybe i just feel like i want to and no meaning at all, or maybe it's just a form of me feeding my own ego. bye all, i mean whoever read this not-so-important post. be kind always.

vulnerable, what do you say?

a piece i made yet never get to share, in a one not-so quiet afternoon in Menara 1 Sentrum Kuala Lumpur.
wrote in August 13th, 2019 at 4.52 PM.

But Orion says sad people just can't fix sad people. And i believe that with every inch of me. The first time i read that words, it goes directly through my cells. I feel like it's the truest truth most people afraid to admit. We as human tend to be united with another person that have lots of similarities with us. it's just like something you don't need any effort on, happens naturally sometimes you don't even realise it when it's gone.

We get along together with other person who got the same things. Many things. Any things possible. For me personally, the same scar is, most of the time, the ultimate deal. When you get hurt, many things changed. You're not the same person anymore. You could never be. Many values possibly changed. Hence you might be ended up not knowing yourself anymore. Sharing that with someone, being as vulnerable together, it is priceless.

You finally find comfort when you share the hurt, the scar, the trust issue, the fragile faith, the insecurities. I even many times don't know how or what to answer whenever people ask me what is the thing i'm afraid the most in this world. But when you got the answer, you finally feel like you can answer it, and that answer is someone, a person, or could be more, man that is what you should pursue.

A something that changes many things. Maybe you would not know for quiet a while, but believe me when you do, you don't want that feeling, that situation, that person, to just go away, just like that. They are becoming the only person you would wanna hold so tight.